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I was cleaning my drawer when I come across several notes, letters and tokens, some notes are cut in shapes and some are just in a plain bond paper or yellow of some sort. They all came from people who had been part (and is part) of my “romantic” life. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence but all of them are thoughtful or they were just in love? But regardless, all of them are passionate, from the very first legit boyfriend I got when I was 18 (don’t judge) up to the succeeding people that have been part of me

(the struggle of using pronouns is real. lol).

And thus I decided to write – one of the two ways (the other is talking non-stop) to keep me sane whenever I am delighted or exasperated by an idea. I am randomly writing this alone in a freezing four-corner room wearing a tank top, so my apologies if this isn’t my usual polished write up, but even if it isn’t freezing cold and I am in my normal state of mind, I don’t have plans of re-writing this either. Sometimes I write my thoughts down without feeling conscious about grammar, arrangement of words or how highfalutin I can get in one article, just, sometimes it feels good to follow the spontaneity of your emotions. =)

Getting back to the notes, letters, and tokens – Yes, I have kept them all, not to boost my ego (okay, slightly) but to appreciate their effort – whether it’s handwritten, computerized, cheap or expensive thing. I truly appreciate how they can be fervent in expressing their feelings, because for me, it’s hard Asf!

I don’t know what’s keeping me from this disposition, maybe I’d like to believe the usual answer I give to myself about this matter – leave something for yourself because people come and go, they will eventually leave you; if you give your all , before you know it, there’s nothing left for you. I made sense on that, I hope. Okay translation: Maybe I’m just too scared to be close to anyone because everyone that ever said “I’ll be there”, left.

Or maybe because I tried once with someone but ended up ignored, broken and now puzzled. Chos.

Or maybe it’s just a defense mechanism or a facade of me being a big asshole, insensitive and/or “machismo” of some sort. And because I couldn’t find an exact reason for my actions whenever I enter into a relationship, perhaps this simple rationale will suffice:

I am not good with this.

Sometimes in my never ending late night musings which most of the time is the main cause for my procrastination, I wonder if I’ll end up alone but successful of course or would end up successful of course but with an added spice to my already spicy life. Someone who will be patient enough to understand whenever I am channeling the inner psychopath in me, because to be honest, if I am to date me, I wouldn’t date myself – too off-the-wall. ugh.

But who knows, I don’t know either, if there is a romantic considerate soul inside of me just in need of an awakening ultimate feeling of affection. Wow!

Kudos to whoever that person who will bear with me for the rest of our lives. That person must be some kind of a supernatural being for keeping up with me. That’s huge.